*This was written in December and is a series of three blog posts that I am publishing together. The thoughts in these blog posts may not affect how I am feeling now and it is safe to say that I do feel mentally better than I once did.*
I just feel like everything that can go wrong has. I think that this is hard because only last night did I find that I was facing what happened over the summer. I spent a lot of it depressed. Spending days at a time crying. Thinking that I was going to die. But I didn't.
It was strange because even though I wanted everything to stop for a little while, I didn't want to die but it felt like I couldn't live either. I was going along. Dealing with one thing after another. Trying not to relapse. Not again. Protecting myself because I was scared. I keep describing it to myself as it's like I was carrying so many plates and they all smashed into a million pieces and I have been trying to pick them up ever since.
I have to admit that I haven't. I haven't picked up the pieces some of them are left on the floor. Hidden under a rug so I don't have to look at them but they are still there.
I think that because I can't pick them up I can't carry on. It has lead to so many mistakes that I regret deeply and I have never felt like this before. I hate myself for being so reckless and careless because it affected me to such a degree and now I feel scared.
Scared that people will see me in light that I tried to hide. The part of me that not the best and they see me as someone careless and untrustworthy. Descriptive words that no one wants to be called.
So I ignore them. It gets worse. The worst it could be but I have no choice to do it. Because I have to. Because the whole point of living is making mistakes and fixing them. No one knows how to live and we all have to fix it and are making our own way.
I have to make my own way. I have to pave my own path and fix everything. Whatever the consequences. I have to do better. But more importantly, I have to live. It may be hard but I have to. Because who are we if we don't make what we have out of life.
I have to live. Live my best life. Do everything to my full ability. I have to live.