Skip to main content

Self-Doubt, Anxiety and Rejection

My head feels like a mess right now. 

My whole body doesn't know quite what to do and I feel like I have a billion different things in my head right now but I have no idea what to do. 

Part of me wants to say that I feel numb because I kind of do but at the same time I am feeling a million different feelings that I kind of don't know what to do. 

I'm in a shock kind of, my body just doesn't know what to do. Run? Hide? Fight the world?

But nothing?

I mean I guess not quite nothing I'm writing this so that's something. 

All of this started because I've had a rough couple of days.

On the outside my life seems fine, I've been reproductive, have been doing work, even today, I have tried to put on a nice front but inside it feels like I am collapsing under the weight. I think a part of me won't let me stop. I know that if I don't continue something might make me stop. It's like I am trying to run away but I'm not. 

This post is clearly me trying to get through that so here is me trying...

I don't know if I will ever post this but I really want to because I hope someone will feel the same. 

My whole life feels like it is changing. It will change in July, yes, but it feels like I need to make those decisions now. 

Decisions that I do not feel wholly ready to make. 

I know that I want to apply to do a Masters but every day I question this reason. I want to do it so I can continue in a field a love and love to learn about not for something else that doesn't give me all the enjoyment that I need for it. 

I just made a tough decision. Something that my God I hope I stand by because I feel like I need to make a stand. Yes, one of the reasons that it because I had self-doubt and I think that with anything like this you have self-doubt but I think that the other reasons like because I hate being self-doubted when I feel it myself. 

This is also because I feel like I need distance and if this was much later then I could feel different but right now this is what I feel and I want to be true to that. I know that my decision shouldn't have consequences and that makes me happy because I hope they succeed. I really do. 

Now for the anxiety, all of this is because I have anxiety over myself and maybe a little anxiety is good because I feel like that decision is going to make me so much happier in the long run. 

If I do a Masters, then I can focus on the things that I truly love. My degree. This blog. My writing. My future.

I have done everything that I want to and I have nowhere that I need to go which makes me so happy that I finally can do. 

So the rejection. I do have this feeling of rejection for my Masters, like when you apply for everything. But I feel like everything happens for a reason and I am happy with that and I feel like I made the decision to prevent rejection which will make me so much better in the future. 

The topic of rejection and social media is definitely something that I want to cover in the future but I think that this is enough for now because I don't feel like any of this makes sense which is fine because it helped me. 

See you soon, 



Popular posts from this blog

My Reading Tastes Are Changing

For the last couple of years, I feel like this has become a reoccurring blog post but I want to talk about it now because I think something is actually happening in my reading life. My reading tastes are changing. I've felt it for a while. I haven't really been drawn to YA titles that much anymore especially contemporary. Being busy in my time, I have been really selective in the books that I pick up so for me: the shorter, the better. And when picking up shorter books, the less likely they are to be YA. The more I am exposed to more books, the more I get to read books that I connect to Some of the books that I have picked up have really surprised me because of how much I ended up enjoying them. I think as I grow older, I am looking for different stories, different experiences and different perspectives. These don't just fit the YA mould. I also have been really into different genres like horror and the occasional thriller which have not read from before and I'm interes

Favourite Graphic Novels & Manga of 2021

As I have read a lot of books this year, I always want to give graphic novels and manga their own celebration as they often get overlooked and do make up a lot of my reading. I also find that even though I read a lot of them, it takes a lot to convince me and make it a new favourite. So here are my best... Heartstopper Volume 4 by Alice Oseman  Like everyone on the internet, I too am a massive Heartstopper fan and Volume 4 is no different. I love the relationship of Nick and Charlie and the side characters also make the series. This one also explores the way that mental health can impact romance and it still does justice to the story and does not fall into cliches. I am eagerly anticipating the final volume but I don't want it to be over.  The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott by Zoe Thorogood One of the last graphic novels I read this year and the one that has the second amount of hype, The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott also leaves a lasting impression. I love a good Briti

Book Review: The Great Godden by Meg Rossoff

   * I am reviewing this book which I was gifted for free from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts are my own. * Title: The Great Godden  Author: Meg Rossoff Publisher: Bloomsbury  Source: NetGalley ( Bookshop UK |  Hive |  Goodreads  |  Storygraph ) Book Summary: Everyone talks about falling in love like it’s the most miraculous, life-changing thing in the world. Something happens, they say, and you know … That’s what happened when I met Kit Godden. I looked into his eyes and I knew. Only everyone else knew too. Everyone else felt exactly the same way. This is the story of one family, one dreamy summer – the summer when everything changes. In a holiday house by the sea, our watchful narrator sees everything, including many things they shouldn’t, as their brother and sisters, parents and older cousins fill hot days with wine and games and planning a wedding. Enter two brothers – irresistible, charming, languidly sexy Kit and surly, silent Hugo. Suddenly there’s