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Self-Doubt, Anxiety and Rejection

My head feels like a mess right now. 

My whole body doesn't know quite what to do and I feel like I have a billion different things in my head right now but I have no idea what to do. 

Part of me wants to say that I feel numb because I kind of do but at the same time I am feeling a million different feelings that I kind of don't know what to do. 

I'm in a shock kind of, my body just doesn't know what to do. Run? Hide? Fight the world?

But nothing?

I mean I guess not quite nothing I'm writing this so that's something. 

All of this started because I've had a rough couple of days.

On the outside my life seems fine, I've been reproductive, have been doing work, even today, I have tried to put on a nice front but inside it feels like I am collapsing under the weight. I think a part of me won't let me stop. I know that if I don't continue something might make me stop. It's like I am trying to run away but I'm not. 

This post is clearly me trying to get through that so here is me trying...

I don't know if I will ever post this but I really want to because I hope someone will feel the same. 

My whole life feels like it is changing. It will change in July, yes, but it feels like I need to make those decisions now. 

Decisions that I do not feel wholly ready to make. 

I know that I want to apply to do a Masters but every day I question this reason. I want to do it so I can continue in a field a love and love to learn about not for something else that doesn't give me all the enjoyment that I need for it. 

I just made a tough decision. Something that my God I hope I stand by because I feel like I need to make a stand. Yes, one of the reasons that it because I had self-doubt and I think that with anything like this you have self-doubt but I think that the other reasons like because I hate being self-doubted when I feel it myself. 

This is also because I feel like I need distance and if this was much later then I could feel different but right now this is what I feel and I want to be true to that. I know that my decision shouldn't have consequences and that makes me happy because I hope they succeed. I really do. 

Now for the anxiety, all of this is because I have anxiety over myself and maybe a little anxiety is good because I feel like that decision is going to make me so much happier in the long run. 

If I do a Masters, then I can focus on the things that I truly love. My degree. This blog. My writing. My future.

I have done everything that I want to and I have nowhere that I need to go which makes me so happy that I finally can do. 

So the rejection. I do have this feeling of rejection for my Masters, like when you apply for everything. But I feel like everything happens for a reason and I am happy with that and I feel like I made the decision to prevent rejection which will make me so much better in the future. 

The topic of rejection and social media is definitely something that I want to cover in the future but I think that this is enough for now because I don't feel like any of this makes sense which is fine because it helped me. 

See you soon, 

Amy

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