Skip to main content

Self-Doubt, Anxiety and Rejection

My head feels like a mess right now. 

My whole body doesn't know quite what to do and I feel like I have a billion different things in my head right now but I have no idea what to do. 

Part of me wants to say that I feel numb because I kind of do but at the same time I am feeling a million different feelings that I kind of don't know what to do. 

I'm in a shock kind of, my body just doesn't know what to do. Run? Hide? Fight the world?

But nothing?

I mean I guess not quite nothing I'm writing this so that's something. 

All of this started because I've had a rough couple of days.

On the outside my life seems fine, I've been reproductive, have been doing work, even today, I have tried to put on a nice front but inside it feels like I am collapsing under the weight. I think a part of me won't let me stop. I know that if I don't continue something might make me stop. It's like I am trying to run away but I'm not. 

This post is clearly me trying to get through that so here is me trying...

I don't know if I will ever post this but I really want to because I hope someone will feel the same. 

My whole life feels like it is changing. It will change in July, yes, but it feels like I need to make those decisions now. 

Decisions that I do not feel wholly ready to make. 

I know that I want to apply to do a Masters but every day I question this reason. I want to do it so I can continue in a field a love and love to learn about not for something else that doesn't give me all the enjoyment that I need for it. 

I just made a tough decision. Something that my God I hope I stand by because I feel like I need to make a stand. Yes, one of the reasons that it because I had self-doubt and I think that with anything like this you have self-doubt but I think that the other reasons like because I hate being self-doubted when I feel it myself. 

This is also because I feel like I need distance and if this was much later then I could feel different but right now this is what I feel and I want to be true to that. I know that my decision shouldn't have consequences and that makes me happy because I hope they succeed. I really do. 

Now for the anxiety, all of this is because I have anxiety over myself and maybe a little anxiety is good because I feel like that decision is going to make me so much happier in the long run. 

If I do a Masters, then I can focus on the things that I truly love. My degree. This blog. My writing. My future.

I have done everything that I want to and I have nowhere that I need to go which makes me so happy that I finally can do. 

So the rejection. I do have this feeling of rejection for my Masters, like when you apply for everything. But I feel like everything happens for a reason and I am happy with that and I feel like I made the decision to prevent rejection which will make me so much better in the future. 

The topic of rejection and social media is definitely something that I want to cover in the future but I think that this is enough for now because I don't feel like any of this makes sense which is fine because it helped me. 

See you soon, 

Amy

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Favourite Graphic Novels & Manga of 2021

As I have read a lot of books this year, I always want to give graphic novels and manga their own celebration as they often get overlooked and do make up a lot of my reading. I also find that even though I read a lot of them, it takes a lot to convince me and make it a new favourite. So here are my best... Heartstopper Volume 4 by Alice Oseman  Like everyone on the internet, I too am a massive Heartstopper fan and Volume 4 is no different. I love the relationship of Nick and Charlie and the side characters also make the series. This one also explores the way that mental health can impact romance and it still does justice to the story and does not fall into cliches. I am eagerly anticipating the final volume but I don't want it to be over.  The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott by Zoe Thorogood One of the last graphic novels I read this year and the one that has the second amount of hype, The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott also leaves a lasting impression. I love a good Briti

Book Review: The Crossing by Manjeet Mann

  * I am reviewing this book which I was gifted for free from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts are my own. * Title: The Crossing Author: Manjeet Mann Publisher: Penguin  Source: NetGalley ( Bookshop UK |  Hive |  Goodreads  |  Storygraph ) Book Summary: The trailblazing new novel from the Carnegie Medal shortlisted author of Run, Rebel. Praise for Run, Rebel - a Guardian best book of 2020: A tightly crafted series of punchy, often heartbreaking narrative poems . . . Mann's brilliant, coruscating verse novel lays out the anatomy of Amber's revolution, and the tentative first flowerings of hope and change. Guardian A trailblazing new novel about two teenagers from opposite worlds; The Crossing is a profound story of hope, grief, and the very real tragedies of the refugee crisis. Natalie's world is falling apart. She's just lost her mum and her brother marches the streets of Dover full of hate and anger. Swimming is her only refuge. Sammy has fl

Blog Tour: Goddess Aditi: Legendary Ladies: 50 Goddesses To Empower and Inspire You

* I am reviewing this book for a blog tour but this in no way affects my review * Title:  Legendary Ladies: 50 Goddesses To Empower and Inspire You   Authors: Ann Shen Source: Blog Tour Publisher: Abram  Rating: 4/5 stars ( Goodreads | Amazon) Book Summary: Throughout History comes this lushly illustrated book of goddesses from around the world. Aphrodite, the Greek goddess whose love overcame mortality. Mazu, the Chinese deity who safely guides travelers home. Lakshmi, the Hindu provider of fortune and prosperity. These powerful deities and many more are celebrated in gorgeous artwork and enlightening essays that explore the feminine divine and encourage readers to empower themselves. Ann Shen's signature watercolors make Legendary Ladies a unique, gift-worthy homage to the mighty women within. As part of this blog tour, each post will focus on a specific "Legendary Lady" or Goddess and for my stop, I will focus on A