Skip to main content

I Have To Live (Part 3/3)

*This was written in December and is a series of three blog posts that I am publishing together. The thoughts in these blog posts may not affect how I am feeling now and it is safe to say that I do feel mentally better than I once did.*

I just feel like everything that can go wrong has. I think that this is hard because only last night did I find that I was facing what happened over the summer. I spent a lot of it depressed. Spending days at a time crying. Thinking that I was going to die. But I didn't.

It was strange because even though I wanted everything to stop for a little while, I didn't want to die but it felt like I couldn't live either. I was going along. Dealing with one thing after another. Trying not to relapse. Not again. Protecting myself because I was scared. I keep describing it to myself as it's like I was carrying so many plates and they all smashed into a million pieces and I have been trying to pick them up ever since.

I have to admit that I haven't. I haven't picked up the pieces some of them are left on the floor. Hidden under a rug so I don't have to look at them but they are still there.

I think that because I can't pick them up I can't carry on. It has lead to so many mistakes that I regret deeply and I have never felt like this before. I hate myself for being so reckless and careless because it affected me to such a degree and now I feel scared.

Scared that people will see me in light that I tried to hide. The part of me that not the best and they see me as someone careless and untrustworthy. Descriptive words that no one wants to be called.

So I ignore them. It gets worse. The worst it could be but I have no choice to do it. Because I have to. Because the whole point of living is making mistakes and fixing them. No one knows how to live and we all have to fix it and are making our own way.

I have to make my own way. I have to pave my own path and fix everything. Whatever the consequences. I have to do better. But more importantly, I have to live. It may be hard but I have to. Because who are we if we don't make what we have out of life.

I have to live. Live my best life. Do everything to my full ability. I have to live. 


Popular posts from this blog

My Reading Tastes Are Changing

For the last couple of years, I feel like this has become a reoccurring blog post but I want to talk about it now because I think something is actually happening in my reading life. My reading tastes are changing. I've felt it for a while. I haven't really been drawn to YA titles that much anymore especially contemporary. Being busy in my time, I have been really selective in the books that I pick up so for me: the shorter, the better. And when picking up shorter books, the less likely they are to be YA. The more I am exposed to more books, the more I get to read books that I connect to Some of the books that I have picked up have really surprised me because of how much I ended up enjoying them. I think as I grow older, I am looking for different stories, different experiences and different perspectives. These don't just fit the YA mould. I also have been really into different genres like horror and the occasional thriller which have not read from before and I'm interes

Book Review: The Great Godden by Meg Rossoff

   * I am reviewing this book which I was gifted for free from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts are my own. * Title: The Great Godden  Author: Meg Rossoff Publisher: Bloomsbury  Source: NetGalley ( Bookshop UK |  Hive |  Goodreads  |  Storygraph ) Book Summary: Everyone talks about falling in love like it’s the most miraculous, life-changing thing in the world. Something happens, they say, and you know … That’s what happened when I met Kit Godden. I looked into his eyes and I knew. Only everyone else knew too. Everyone else felt exactly the same way. This is the story of one family, one dreamy summer – the summer when everything changes. In a holiday house by the sea, our watchful narrator sees everything, including many things they shouldn’t, as their brother and sisters, parents and older cousins fill hot days with wine and games and planning a wedding. Enter two brothers – irresistible, charming, languidly sexy Kit and surly, silent Hugo. Suddenly there’s

Favourite Graphic Novels & Manga of 2021

As I have read a lot of books this year, I always want to give graphic novels and manga their own celebration as they often get overlooked and do make up a lot of my reading. I also find that even though I read a lot of them, it takes a lot to convince me and make it a new favourite. So here are my best... Heartstopper Volume 4 by Alice Oseman  Like everyone on the internet, I too am a massive Heartstopper fan and Volume 4 is no different. I love the relationship of Nick and Charlie and the side characters also make the series. This one also explores the way that mental health can impact romance and it still does justice to the story and does not fall into cliches. I am eagerly anticipating the final volume but I don't want it to be over.  The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott by Zoe Thorogood One of the last graphic novels I read this year and the one that has the second amount of hype, The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott also leaves a lasting impression. I love a good Briti